Had dinner with my partner's parents today.  Normally a good time had by all.  Except today.  Today my partner's father - we'll call him Dumbass - for this exercise, decided to share his opinions on multiculturalism and the workplace.

Let me first introduce the small bum-fuck nowhere town I live in.  Our town has 18 thousand people.  18 thousand white, mostly God fearing conservative people who have lived here all their lives.  In the past 3 years, we've had an influx of new Canadians, specifically peoples from the Philippines. In the past three years, there has been a stronger worker representation from the Philipino community.  Specifically minimum wage jobs - fast food, gas jocky, convenience store workers, etc... - jobs that require you to work weekends; make next to nothing; work with the public; and are not paid what they are worth. 

Now, Dumbass feels that "them folk" are pushing out the White workers.  Because at the Nationally franchised coffee store, there are "not a white person working behind the counter".  Um?  Really?  Do you realize why there is a strong Philipino presence at this establishment?  Because no one else in this community wants to work at the place where you frequent.  No one else in this community wants to work weekends; make at most ten cents over minimum wage; no one else wants to put up with assholes like you.  I don't think that most people want to live in an apartment with three other families, just so they can save enough money to sponsor family members to Canada, and to pay the rent.

But, clearly this epidemic of non-white "them folk" is spreading, because Dumbass went to the local Credit Union and saw not one, but two of "them folk" working there!  How dare they push out the white folk there!  Because it would be just a damn shame for a New-Canadian to better themselves, and work at a bank, rather than at a fast food joint.  What shame!

Now, what really gets Dumbass's goat is when people from far away waltz into Canada and have the audasity to a) not speak English, b) not speak English with a Canadian accent - so Dumbass can understand whomever he is talking to, c) take all of our jobs.  Really?  I don't think Dumbass has ever experienced what it is to be a minority.  I have.  I've lived abroad where I do not look like everyone else; I didn't know the language; I tried very hard to learn the language; I experienced the racism Dumbass is spouting; experienced the narrow-mindedness that is Dumbass's mantra.

I don't feel that anyone can just waltz into Canada - except if you are super rich and can work the whole loophole of citizenship if you are loaded.  I don't think that Johnny or Sue who are just 'off the boat' can assimilate into "Canadian Culture" - which if you could precisely define for me, I would greatly appreciate it.  I feel that every time I encounter a New-Canadian in a work situation, and they say "Good morning Mame, how can I help you"?  I feel that person is making an effort to converse in English.  But heaven forbid if said person has a strong accent and doesn't speak English clearly!  Um, speaking English, and your inability to understand different accents is not an indicator that someone is speaking poor English.  It just means that you can't understand their accent!!!!!

And finally, but more importantly, "them folk" are Canadian citizens.  At least in my eyes.  If you pass your citizenship exam, you are Canadian.  I am third generation Canadian on one side, and second generation on the other.  However, Dumbass feels that anyone with an accent, pardon me - a Canadian accent - is not a Canadian citizen.  And I've heard this argument from other people in this community.  My question for them, is how many generations of Canadian do you have to have to be properly Canadian?  Or is it until you, yourself are able to understand what that person is saying?

When thinking of Canada, what are some things we value?  Living in a country at peace; our freedoms and liberties; our perception of gender equality; being treated with respect and treating others with respect; living in a diverse/multicultural country; etc....  Dumbass is quite patriotic in that sense.  He feels he is very 'Canadian', and yet in the exact same breath he is so willing to treat people HE doesn't view as Canadian in such a disrespectful manner.

At this moment, I can't wait to skip town, and live amongst civilized modern day people.  Because how I see Dumbass's perception of the world, we are all blonde hair, blue eyed, and all say "Yes sir; No sir; Three bags full sir."

I'm feeling the pull of emotions attached to winter.  Every Winter it gets a little bit more tricky.  I think it has to do with the lack of sunlight.  Or, perhaps I'm just caught on this never ending continuous loop during the year.  You don't realize that you are sinking until your head is below water - then all you can do is try to find ways to keep yourself going for the next 90 days, until Spring in in bloom.  I don't want to have this.  Every winter I've forgotten what it's like the previous winter.  Boosting my water intake.  Boosting my fruits and veggies.  Journal more, read more, take time for myself more.  Realize that this too shall pass.  Take my vitamins and hope for the best.

I'm not terribly happy here in my small town.  My work situation is not ideal.  I miss a lot of supports I have in my larger city.  I'm trying to not be tried for war crimes.  I know it's difficult on my partner.  He is such a tolerant and patient man.  He deals with my emotions - my ups and more downs.

I just hope that this winter is not so bad.

Mom came to visit me this weekend.  She wanted to see where C & I live.  C's parents were in Mom's city for an appointment on Friday.  They offered to give her a ride to town.  She said yes.

Apparently when mom hopped in the truck to come to town, she smelled like she'd had a few drinks. 

I get off work Friday, get home, to find her having a glass of chocolate wine.  She had dinner Friday night, and then a really bad night.  She didn't sleep much, and was vomiting and gagging the entire night.  She also had a nose bleed for the majority of the night.

Saturday morning we were supposed to have people over.  We cancelled as I decided to take mom to the hospital.  I came into her room telling her that we were going to go to the hospital.  C was getting ready to start the truck - warm it up.

Mom was staring straight a head, I was telling her it was a good idea to go to the hospital.  That she should put some clothes on and get ready.  She started to make these awful noises - gagging/screaming then she fell on her side and started convulsing.  I screamed and screamed.  C ran into the room I screamed "she's having a seizure". 

In the midst of my screams/cries, I managed to get my phone and call 911.  C helped mom into the recovery position - making sure the bile that was coming out of her mouth wouldn't choke her.

It felt like forever for the paramedics to come.  I called C's dad and asked him to come to town.  I was shaking, crying, and in a complete panic.

The paramedics got mom onto a stretcher.  I went with the ambulance to the hospital.  C and his dad came shortly after. 

We spent 3 hours in emergency.  She received fantastic care - had a CT scan, an IV, anti-seizure meds, anti-nausea meds - the works.

The ER doctor felt that her seizure was due to alcohol withdraw.  The doctor admitted her into the hospital.  That was Saturday.  For the majority of Saturday and yesterday she didn't really understand where she was.  She doesn't remember Friday, or much of Thursday.

Sunday she tells me that her seizure couldn't have possibly be due to alcohol - as some Senior Resident (read: resident, not doctor) told her that her seizure was due to low potassium and magnesium.

I was furious.  Had I not been right beside her when her seizure happened she could have died.  If her seizure happened at home, where she is alone - should WOULD be dead.  Yet her 40 plus years of drinking couldn't have contributed to this?

C went to this hospital today.  I tried to go to work.  I was fine until the minute I stepped into work, I burst into tears.  I needed a mental health day.  I went back home.  Had a sleep, C drew a bath for me, and now I'm relaxing on the couch.

C went to the hospital to talk to mom about her drinking.  She is welcome to stay at our house as long as she is sober.  If she drinks, she is not welcome.  Period.  Mom said that she's had her last drink and that she needs counseling when she goes back to the city.  C told her he would find information for her.  We arranged to have addiction services and a hospital social worker visit her.

If she can go directly into treatment from here then she would have had time to dry out and then go into treatment.

This has torn my family into shreds.  My sister is on the verge of a breakdown.  One similar to what I had when I was her age dealing with my ill parents.  A few of my mom's siblings have called me to talk.  They all agree that she has a problem and that this needs to stop. 

I am exhausted.  Tired of knowing that my mom is an alcoholic.  Tired of knowing that at anytime when she goes home she may call me while she's drunk.  Tired of having a mom who is not being the person I need her to be. 

It sounds like she'll be in hospital for a few more days.  The longer she can be there, the better.

Just needed to get out what's been happening this weekend.

K

Life in my province's conservative party mecca is not all it's cracked up to be.  The leader of said conservative party lives here.  He is their golden boy.  He can do no wrong.  Never mind that numerous social programming was cut during his previous term, never mind that affordable housing is more and more difficult to find.  Finally an affordable housing crunch has happened here.  Folks here haven't really had to deal with expensive housing, poor social programing, lack of necessities.  I'm not pleased it is happening here, but I am glad that a small town bubble has burst.

It is really difficult to live in the mecca of my province's conservative party.  The leader can do no wrong.  He is strong.  He is smart.  He is good.  He is god.  It is very challenging to conduct a cordial conversation with people about why they think this person is so wonderful.  People feel I am attacking who they are but challenging their golden boy.  I might as well start snatching babies, assault the elderly, and burn down churches, as I would have more higher moral regard - in the eyes of these sheep.

Times like these make me look forward to whatever next adventure is out there.

I was at a function tonight where I ran into S.  If you are thinking to yourself, who is S (no, there was not a list that started at A and went to S, it was close but not quite).  Forgive me, as I've had almost 10 drinks tonight!   S is the rotten bastard who I dated for a bit, completely feel for, went away for a party - cheated on me, sent me an email about it and the next day I found out I was pregnant.  I choose not to continue with the pregnancy.  6 weeks later S finally got the nerve to come and see me, and we talked, talked, and talked some more.  Needless to say that if I don't have to see him, I don't.

Unfortunately, I started volunteering at a place every Wednesday where I have the fucking pleasure of being in the same areas as C's ex wife, and S!  How fucking lucky for me!

Anyway, I was having a great night at this function.  I was visiting with a bunch of people I haven't visited with in a while, and a few hours later, both S, and C's ex  showed up.  I decided it was time to leave.  So I got a ride home with a sober friend who I got to visit with during the car ride.

I don't want to have a grudge.  It takes too much time and energy to maintain.  But when you've been so fucking hurt by someone, it is very difficult to just let it go.  Let go of the hurt, let go of the pain.  Perhaps that can be a new years goal.  We'll see.

It's been almost 4 years now, and still, I'm hurt, angry, and full of rage.

I am so thankful to have C as my partner.  He is a lovely and wonderful man.  I don't know what I did to have someone so wonderful, respectful, and kind.  I look forward to going to bed with him.  Just as I look forward to waking up in the morning with him as well.

One thing that I love and respect about C is that he makes himself incredibly available.  He will drop anything and everything when someone asks him for help.  C has felt a bit burnout lately, so I took it upon myself to text many of his friends and family to let them know that he will be having a Do Not Disturb weekend.  I asked C to pick a weekend in November that is his do not disturb weekend.  He picked one.  I sent out the text message.  I was very purposeful to make sure that no one was picked on, no one was put out.  I had C proof read this text message before I sent it out.  He gave the okay.  So, I sent out this message.

Today we went to C's parents house for Turkey leftover dinner.  Getting ready to leave, I hop in the car and start listening to CBC for about 25 minutes.  No C.  I see him talking to his dad inside.  I walk inside, and the entire conversation ends abruptly.  We get into the car, where C tells me that his Dad was quite offended by my text message.  His Dad felt that he was picked out, and that he was hogging all C's time. 

I'm pissed off, because my intention was to give C a weekend all to himself.  If he wanted to sleep in the bed all to himself, then I would sleep on the couch that weekend.  If he wanted to walk around naked watching porn and jacking off, then I'd let him.

So, when we went to leftover turkey dinner, C's Dad was nothing but sweet to me.  But I guess on the inside he was nothing but upset and angry with something I did.  This passive-aggression drives me nuts.  I am very frustrated with this type of communication.

C called his sister - one of the recipients of my text message.  She felt that my message was totally fine. I'm just pissed off that something I could give my partner was taken by offense.  Part of me wants to say to C's Dad - get over yourself.  Why do you feel that YOU are the one taking more time from C?  Why are YOU offended, not anyone else?  But, I won't say it, because he didn't come to me to explain his anger.

Anyway, I look forward to giving C more Do Not Disturb weekends.  I hope he enjoys his first one coming up.

K

I'm pretty fucking livid right now.  I'm so angry that I'm calm, cold, and calculating.  This is not good.

C and I drove to Walmart to pick up a vacuum filter as ours hit the dust - in more ways than one.  On the way, in a ditch were 'protesters'.  Being one who has gone to more than one rally herself, I wanted to find out what they were protesting.  The closer I get, I see a white board with black writing - "Abortion Kills Children".  There were about 12 people in the ditch, some were hiding their faces with their sign, others had their lawn chairs out were visiting amongst themselves.  In the group of 12, there were children as well.  Smiles on their faces while holding up their sign.

I became very quiet after seeing the 'protester' - a very loose term for these individuals.  C asked me what I would respond to them if I had a chance.  I immediately said that I wouldn't respond, as I didn't feel that these folks were into discussing things.  C said that he would tell them that cars kill children and drive into the ditch.  I smirked at that one.

After stewing for a while, getting angrier and angrier with how I would respond to these folks, I've decided to write my response here.  Partly for my own mental health - to get it out, and partly to put my response out so that there is a cyber record of my response.

Dear People in the Ditch Today Holding Up "Abortion Kills Children" Sign,

I'm glad that we live in a society today where you can share your 'message'.  I don't agree with your message one bit.  But that is my right; just as much as it is your right to spew misinformation.  See, abortion doesn't kill children.  Killing children is considered murder in this country.  Abortion kills fetuses.  Abortion doesn't kill babies, infants, toddlers, children, teenagers, adults, middle aged people, and finally the geriatric.

Your message about abortion killing children indicates that there is a life to take.  Yes fetuses have heartbeats, I agree with that.  But can a fetus live outside of the womb?  In my province, an abortion is legal prior to the first trimester.  I have yet to meet a first trimester fetus who successfully 'made it' out of the womb and is here for me to see them.  I'm sure you can muster up someone to tell me the harrowing tale of life at 12 weeks.

If you are going to successfully parley your message, why not be accurate.  I'm assuming that you belong to an organized faith group.  I'm sure you are quite familiar with your prophets doctrine, and are eager and passionate to clarify any misrepresentations of your doctrine.  So, my inconsistent bigot, why have you lapsed in your accuracy when it comes to abortion being a child killer?  I understand that being accurate kinda takes the wind out of your sails so to speak.  But nothing is more annoying than seeing an incorrect and inaccurate protest sign.

I feel that your message has power.  You have a right to share your message.  I have a right to respond to your message in an articulate and respectful way.  I feel that it is incredibly dangerous to include your children in your agenda.  If I were a child worker with social services, I would wonder what else are you teaching your child?  To hate? Probably.  To debase others?  Most likely.  To view the world from such a narrow pin hole view?  I would think so.  Rather than learning that everyone has a right to their opinions, including yours, and that it is okay to have diverse opinions; ways of doing things; and ways of living life, you are teaching your child that there is only one way to live life.  With hate, fear, ignorance, and intolerance. 

I would not want you as a neighbour.  I would not want your vile views and actions to pollute my living space.  And most of all, I would really hope that you are never in a situation where you would have to consider abortion.  The only thing more obnoxious than an inconsistent bigot is a hypocritical one.  Abortion is a sin, but it isn't a sin when someone is raped.  Abortion is a sin, but it isn't a sin when it is incest.  Abortion is a sin, but it isn't a sin when the mother may die from medical complications.  I feel that if you are prepared to spread your inaccurate propaganda  in public, then you are prepared to be 100% in favor of your ideals.  So again, I really hope that you - or someone you know and/or love, is never in a situation where you would need to make a decision.

A concerned, livid, and hurt citizen.

Hey All,

I'm really struggling right now.  I'm struggling in a housing situation that is crushing me.  I told C last week that at the end of July, one of us is moving out - me or the roommates.  My intention isn't to force his hand.  My intention isn't to through a tantrum.  I'm saying that I'm really unhappy where I live.  I can't live with these people another month.  If they are not out by the end of the month, then I need - for my own mental health - to find somewhere else to live.

C was really frustrated and angry with my message.  I understand why he is.  But this place is killing me.  I don't feel as though I have any space that is mine.  Not a single fucking bedroom.  Not a single fucking bathroom.  Everything - but the bathroom C and I share, and our bedroom - has their shit in it.  I don't have a single fucking space to just be in.  How the fuck am I supposed to settle into life in a small town when all my fucking shit is in boxes and packed away.  That's at least one benefit - if I do move then I don't have much packing to do.

I'm so fucking livid at the roommates.  One of them is golden though, she does help out.  The other two are fucking hopeless leaches who have taken advantage of C.  I feel that this place is affecting my mental health, my physical health, and my relationship.  How fucking fun is that! 

One of the things I'm discovering is how fucking angry I am when I'm at home.  I have to consciously make an effort to not be snip and rude at the roommates, when all I'm dreaming of doing is throwing their shit into the street and locking the door.

Their shit.  This is such a struggle for me.  I'm living with hoarders who buy nothing but junk when they should be working on finding a place.  There is shit everywhere, no where is neat and tidy and I'm really struggling with it.   I am so fucking unhappy right now that I do not know what to do.  I'm dealing with fully adjusting to life in Canada, fully adjusting to living with my special someone, and attempting to adjust to having lowlife roommates.

I don't know what to do.  I really don't.  I had hope that they would be able to find something with our housing authority, however in their previous city they left so much fucking debt there, that their application through the housing authority here is declined.  C doesn't want to toss them out as he feels they have no where to go.  I feel that they shouldn't have fucking shot themselves in their feet and deal with their shit.  I don't care that you don't have somewhere else to go.  I don't care that you feel overwhelmed.  I need you to fucking leave.  I need you to pack all of your shit and just fucking go.  Don't talk to me, don't look at me, just fucking leave.

I'm so exhausted by this ordeal that I don't even know what to do.  I'm really hoping that C and I survive as a couple once this is over.  I really do.

So, things haven't been all peachy keen since moving to Swift.  The roommates have been a real challenge for me.  I've been asking C when he's going to deal with them.  He keeps putting it off.  I think he's scared of conflict and of loosing this guy as a friend.  Last Thursday I told him, that at the end of July either the roommates are moving out, or I am.  C isn't very happy about this.  However, he's made a lawyer's appointment for tomorrow to get an official - notarized eviction notice for the roommates.

I'm worried that the roommates are going to be aggressive and disrespectful to the house.  After an eviction notice is given, there is not much we can do, aside from waiting until the end of the month and documenting any damage.  I really hope that they treat us with respect, because if not, then I think July will be a long month.

Wish me luck,

I made it to SC - the city where my special someone lives.  I was hoping for a bang, but so far it's been a bit of a bust.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be with C.  I'm just not happy to be in this space.

The drive down from s'toon to SC was full of excitement for me and anxiety for C.  He was really worried how I would react to the condition of his house.  I don't blame him.  I didn't know how bad it was until I got there.

C has a douche bag roommate who hasn't moved out - even though C gave him plenty of notice.  The douche bag roommate and his two daughters occupy the main floor and basement.  C and I occupy the top floor.  The main floor and basement are a complete mess.  There is no indication by the look of their space that they are ready to move.  NOT ONE FUCKING BOX IS PACKED.  The upstairs was a mess.  But, I remedied that in a day or two.  It's livable now.  As for before - not so much.

C talks about how he wants the douche bag roommate out, but I don't know if C has communicated how much he wants the douche bag roommate out to the roommate. 

Friends: Any idea about legal options - Sheriff/RCMP - about people who don't pay rent have been given 2 months notice and are still here past their deadline?  Are they considered squatting?  Anyone have any information?

I'm having a really hard time feeling like I have my own space here.  This house has 4 bedrooms, a basement, a main floor, an upstairs and yet I don't feel like I have my own space.

I really need the douche bag and his two daughters to leave.  Like, yesterday.  Don't know when that will happen.  Am not above calling the Sheriff on him.

I think reality is setting in.  I am no long in Korea.  I'm no longer just visiting.  I'm here.  I need to make a go out of it.  I'm happy some parts of the day, and other parts I am not happy at all.

I've talked to C about it.  I need to talk more.  Talk, talk, talk that's all I seem to do.

I'm experiencing reverse culture shock now.  It is strange to describe it to people; they expect that because I grew up in Canada that I should be able to adjust to Canada even though I was adjusted to a different culture for a period of time.

I need a lot of support from C.  He's doing great by asking me how I'm doing, what am I feeling right now, what can he do to help.  I think as soon as I feel like I've taken a piece of his space and made it mine I will feel more settled.

I hope that douche bag and his daughters leave soon.  We will see how it goes.  Wish me luck.